Break Ups and Move Ons

Break Ups and Move Ons


images: ©l.ils, ©veronica_pinguin

I’ve been writing this blog post for many, many months now. I’ve started writing down my thoughts way before even existed. I’ve started a hundred times but never finished it because I felt like it did not have a message. It was pointless, without heart and soul. As per usual, I kept overthinking everything and was close to deleting the entire post many times before I decided to finally click on the little button and change the status from “private” to “public”. Now, this is it! It’s out there and I don’t regret sharing my thoughts and experiences:  

Since I was about 8 years old, I’ve been keeping a diary. My diary is like my best friend (don’t worry I got human friends too. At this point: shoutout to the one who always keeps me out of trouble … or at least tries to… and the other one who doesn’t think I’m funny. Love you, guys). Anyways, my diary never leaves my side, it always is where I am. I carry it wherever I go because the second something happens (doesn’t matter whether it’s good or bad) my diary has to know it. I have to write down everything that happens in order to be able to look at it later and re-feel what I felt, re-think what I thought, and re-find what I lost that very moment.

So, naturally, my diary knows everything about what is going on in my head and my life. It knows about who I argue with, who I just had the best time with, who I adore, and who I’d rather not run into right now.

Writing is what keeps me sane, what helps me deal with problems, difficult situations, and scary changes. It always has, it always will. If I had to go on an abandoned island and I could only take 3 items with me those ones would be; my diary, a pen, and sunscreen because let’s be honest I wouldn’t even make two minutes without getting sunburned (I even got a sunburn in LONDON in FEBRUARY!!!). But if I had to choose between the sunscreen and the diary I’d choose the diary.

Now, about the title: when I say “breakups” I refer to breakups regarding ALL kinds of relationships. It doesn’t matter whether you are dating somebody, only hanging out with them, or you have a completely different kind of emotional connection. Where people are, there are relationships and where relationships are, there are automatically ground rules to make things work.

Every relationship is built on trust, equality, and respect for each other – at least the good ones are. And when I say “the good ones” I mean the ones that make you be yourself and enjoy every single moment of it. Relationships should be empowering, eye-opening, and supportive. They should be helping you get through tough times and make you want to share your happiness in good ones.

To me, nothing is more important than having people around me that I can rely on, that I can trust, and that show me their respect for me by being honest and truly invested in our relationship – whatever kind it may be. If you make a promise, you keep it. If you make a mistake, you own up to it.

As I already said in my previous post “Mice and Relationships” (if you haven’t read it yet – please feel free to check it out), I am willing to forgive, forget, and give second chances – but not under certain circumstances and not if the same mistakes keep getting made and the same boundaries crossed over and over again. I’ll tell you once, I’ll tell you twice … but enough is enough.

Sometimes, you just have to break up with someone (friends, lovers, whatever). You have to break up with them simply because you don’t want to put up with the endless drama, the unnecessary fighting, and the childish shaming. It won’t be a decision you make one day getting up in the morning, but rather be a process. It will take you some time but then you realize that you and your time are too good for this, that you deserve so much better, and that you should surround yourself with people who have a positive impact on your life.

A little more than one year ago, I found myself in exactly this situation. It doesn’t matter who this person was, what exactly happened and what was said and done. I’m not pointing my finger at anyone and I’m not intending on making this into a “he said, she said”. I’m here to tell things from my perspective.

This person and I had been friends for quite a while and throughout our friendship, we had been having our fights – just like you and your best friend. People fight, they yell, say things that come out very wrong, and they point fingers at each other because during arguments, we all feel offended and we all think attacking is better than being attacked.

Nobody (at least I hope so) truly enjoys fights – not even lawyers.  There are the ones who became a lawyer because they stand for justice and there are the ones who are in for it because of the money and the prestige but I don’t believe that they actually enjoy the fighting part. It brings you down.

After the fight, however,  you talk about it, apologize, accept the apology, or pretend it never happened and you feel relieved. Getting along again makes you feel better. But in this case, I had reached the point where it really did not matter to me whether I was fighting or not with my former friend. It did not make a difference. Actually, at some point fighting was easier because then I at least had a “reason” to not call, not text, not pick up, and not tell them anything about my life that they could have torn apart and cast a shadow on it.

But in my case, I had reached the point where it really did not matter to me whether I was fighting or not with my former friend. It did not make a difference. Actually, at some point fighting was easier because then I at least had a “reason” to not call, not text, not pick up, and not tell them anything about my life that they could have torn apart and cast a shadow on it.

I just generally felt miserable around this person. I felt like they were carrying a kind of negative energy with them that was taking over every single conversation, every single move, and every single breath. Only thinking or talking about them made me feel miserable. And this was exactly the point that made me realize how poisonous our relationship was and how badly I had to get out of it. There is no nice way to say this other than some people are just like bloodsuckers, they have a 6th sense for your weakness, claw onto you and suck you dry like a vampire. And when they are done with you, they leave you behind, go on to the next victim. But I did not want to be a victim, I wanted to be a survivor and I wanted to get out of it before I could have given even more than I already had.

We had called each other friends but our friendship had never been pure, honest or fun. There have always been complications. I felt like they had this image of me in their head without even taking a look at me. I felt like they had expectations that I had to live up to because otherwise I wasn’t being accepted – even if that meant quitting who I was. I wasn’t supposed to make decisions for myself but rather follow the way they had paved for me in their mind.

We met as teenagers and I feel like being a teenager is a very awkward stage for everybody. Everything around you changes and so do you but you don’t have control over anything. Grown-ups expect you to figure out who you want to become when you don’t even know who you are. So, I was kind of relieved to finally have somebody as my friend who knew who I was and where I was going – or at least I thought so. Through time, however, and after millions of fights about EVERYTHING, I finally opened my eyes and realized that I wasn’t supposed to grow, to evolve. and become the real me.

I had been stuck in this glass box that I could see out of and people could look into it but I could not make a step forward or backward. I could just stand there and watch. I wasn’t free to do whatever it was that I wanted to do because they would have judged me like they always did. I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t smart enough, and I wasn’t worth it … to succeed whatever it was that I wanted to try.

A huge part of our friendship had been humor and little did I know back then how much sadness the kind of humor we had been communicating with had carried along. Anger, aggression, and jealousy had always been part of our communication and gradually become the strongest element. Hidden in humor, anger and passive aggression had become a cruel ritual that helped us and also kept us from speaking out the truth.

Humor is a crucial substance to happiness – if you ask me. I love breaking the ice through humor, making people love, and using it in order to make awkward situations a little more decent. And I have no right to determine what’s a great and what’s a terrible sense of humor but to me, humor should be pure, honest, and NEVER EVER be used in order to hurt another party.

The kind of humor my former friend and I were using was nothing like this. It was meant to hurt – actually, its only purpose was to put the other one down. It was never pure and it was never honest but cold-blooded jealousy.

To be frank with you, it did not take me long to realize that I was being in a poisonous relationship but it took me quite a while to actually get up and leave (for good). I had tried to get out of it several times but always failed, always chickened out. It took me even longer to fully comprehend why it was such a difficult deed.

Going through my old diaries, reading what I had experienced, said, done, felt and thought at totally different stages of our friendship made me realize that it was so hard to break up with a friend because saying your goodbyes automatically meant breaking up with a part of yourself too. Breaking up means giving up on somebody, on a shared future – even if it’s the best for yourself. Nobody can tell you that but you have to realize it on your own.

By breaking up you admit that things did not work out, that the other one simply isn’t important enough to keep them from leaving. You admit that the other one did not give you enough reasons to make them stay in your life. And in my case, there wasn’t a single reason to make them stay. Shared history hadn’t been enough, a shared present wasn’t appreciated, and a shared future was not worth the struggle. So I had to pack my fictitious suitcase, break the window of the glass box and finally move on.

Now, my message to you guys is: everybody makes mistakes, every relationship has its ups and downs. People fight, people forgive, and people forget and I am all for making things right, giving second chances, and fighting for the ones you love. But a relationship should NEVER EVER be abusive neither physically nor emotionally.

If you suffer from a relationship you have to be honest to yourself, stand up, end it, and move on. Out there are so many loving and caring people that wish for a person like you and that are willing to play an equally important role in your life. In order to get that, however, you have to be out there and spread all the positive energy you hope to get from others.

Life’s too short to be miserable and you are too good to be taken down. Surround yourself with people who love you just the way you are and you’ll never ever expect any less from new people in your life.

As always: please feel free to comment below whatever it is you would like to share!

Thank you for reading.



3 thoughts on “Break Ups and Move Ons”

  • True words? and I’m really impressed how you’ve put everything into words! I’m always enjoying to read your blog posts but so far, this is definitely one of my favorites!? & I hope that you‘ll never „break up“ with the memories we’ve made together ?♥️ xoxo, Nathalie

    • Ohh you’re such a cutie! I’ll never forget exploring New York together and getting lost (literally) in its busy streets and vibrant neighborhoods. And I still have pay you a visit, remember? Also, should you ever feel like taking a small trip to Vienna I’ll be happy to show you around! xoxo, MC ???

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